Monday, June 11, 2007

Commitment

I feel like I’ve been having problems with commitment lately. As it means a pledge to something or someone, I definitely far from committed. I didn’t mean commitment to my immediate family since I put them on top of my list, as best as I can (not perfect, I admit). But even with my family in Indonesia; I don’t call them as much as I want. I don’t reply their sms or emails right away. I don’t send them Damian’s picture as often as I-don’t-know-how-long-ago. That’s embarrassing.

I’m not committed to my religion since I’ve missed my duties and ceremonies. But if only He knows, I’m committed to pray to Him and whisper His name every time I start the day. And still trying.

As commitment to work, which started as a-spare-part-time-work turned to full time, I just realized I don’t have that kind of commitment. At least not now. Some would say I’m being ungrateful, but really, it’s easy to juggle only if you have 36 hours a day (and don't blame me if still don't want to miss out Law&Order SVU). Even that might still leave me fallen asleep in Damian’s bed, forgotten to run the dishwasher. That’s my choice after all, and still I wouldn’t choose to have longer days because I won’t be perfect anyway.

I have friends and I don’t, as they come and go as well as my commitments to them. I always love talking to them on the phone or spending time with them. But sometimes my mind is wondering about my other commitments, which actually I’m not committed to. That’s confusing, and I left out with little quality time and some might feel under-appreciated. As a friend.

Nevertheless, I slip in some quiet time to commit, again, to my blog. This has the least retort to my imperfection and undisciplined commitment.